I don’t know how anyone could have missed this, but many seem to have not noticed. I’m referring to the newest state in the union – the state of Denial. Most of our population seems to have already moved there or are about to do so. It will soon have such a large population that it will accrue a majority of the country’s electoral votes. Thus all future presidential candidates will only have to campaign in the state of Denial.
The state’s budget will be balanced; it will have no deficits – ever. Its entitlement programs will be fully funded. They will include unemployment benefits for life, even if the “worker” has never worked. A single worker may, by majority vote, unionize himself and be entitled to full collective bargaining rights, though as no one is likely to ever be hired or fired they may not be needed.
Medicaid will be available to everyone below (or above) 1000% of the poverty level as determined by Denial. Doctors and hospitals will be required to accept Denial’s Medicaid insurance. They will also be required to pay a 20% tax on all income received from the state. Anyone earning more than $250,000 a year will pay a state income tax of 250% of income.
Social Security is in no difficulty in Denial. Pensions at 100% of highest salary ever earned will start at birth. The state will match, dollar for dollar, the employer’s contribution to the pension plan. If there is no employer the state will match its own contribution. If no salary has ever been earned $100,000 a year will be assumed.
Tuition at the state’s colleges, university, and professional schools will be free. Out of state residents will be eligible for instate tuition rates if they sign a statement agreeing to observe the state hate speech regulations which include the proscription of dang, darn, gosh, and my gracious. Negativity of any kind is also forbidden, but in all other cases the first amendment to the US Constitution will be scrupulously observed. A first offence against these regulations is punishable with 10 consecutive viewings of An Inconvenient Truth. Fahrenheit 9/11 may be substituted or added to the former at the discretion of the appropriate Denial officials. A second offense get’s the death penalty or it would if capital punishment were not forbidden.
Teachers in Denial’s primary and secondary schools have lifetime tenure starting five minutes before the first job interview. All students in these schools will score more than two standard deviations above the mean in any standardized test; the state’s supreme court will enforce this requirment. There are no dress codes in these schools, though nudity is discouraged if the student has full body tattoos.
In Denial there is no reason for anyone to commit a crime, speech crimes excepted; therefore there will be no penal system or law enforcement. Control of the state’s borders is not necessary as everyone is welcome in Denial.
All roads leading into the state will have signs proclaiming: Welcome to Denial. Roads leading out of the state will have a sign saying: You’re leaving Denial, but you can take it with you if you wish.
Anyone is eligible to vote in Denial. Registration is automatic. But as everything in the state is hunky-dory there will be nothing to vote about or for. When you’re in Denial there are no problems.
In this state you can marry anybody or anything you want as often as you want. Mel Gibson can marry the Grand Canyon. Simon Boccanegra can marry his refrigerator and get a basket of benefits for doing so. Not that there’s anything wrong with marrying a national park or an appliance, though a divorce might be messy.
Pregnancy and post-natal leave is provided until the youngest child receives his/her/its/their first doctoral degree. Pregnancy leave is also given to anyone contemplating adopting a child/dog/cat/parrot/or any other warm blooded animal.
There is no rent control in Denial because the state pays the rent for anyone eligible for Medicaid. Similarly there are no zoning laws because nothing new is allowed to be built.
Energy is provided to all at the state’s expense in Denial. And it’s nuclear and carbon free. It’s powered by hot air. The third person singular is abolished in Denial. Death has just four stages in this state. Dodgeball is forbidden.
Living in Denial is so pleasant that it may soon annex the other 50 states. Taking in the District of Columbia will not be necessary as it’s already there.