It’s time someone spoke up for monogamy – true monogamy, real monogamy. The basic, undeniable, unalienable, constitutional right to marry yourself. With the US swarming with libertarians and brave new worlders, I can’t understand why no one has spoken up for monogamy before.
It seems to me that true monogamy, as I see it, lets the all-in-one “couple” have their cake and eat it too. Let me tick off some of the benefits marrying yourself provides. You could be on both sides of the same sex marriage debate. You could have Robert marry Roberta (both of whom are you). This would satisfy proponents of traditional marriage. But you could also have Robert marry Robert or Roberta marry Roberta which would show your support for the now evolved view of marriage. You might even get a spot on Modern Family and become a cultural icon. You would also likely find yourself (both selves) on the cover of Popular Mechanics.
You should be able to avoid paying the single supplement when you take a cruise, though I’m a little hazy about exactly how your tariff would calculated. You would qualify for two social security cards and be eligible for spousal benefits if only one of you worked. Of course, if both of you worked you’d collect two checks at retirement. If one of you got disabled, the disabled spouse could collect disability benefits while the other continued to work.
Because you are marrying yourself, you don’t have to limit yourself to just one spouse. You could have as many as you want as long as they are all you. In fact multiple monogamy would have additional benefits . You could get public assistance benefits for as many of you as there are in your ménage à trois (or quatre or cinq, ad infinitum).
Obviously, we will no longer need matchmakers or online dating services. To find your perfect mate all you need do is look in the mirror.
Alas we live in an unstable world. So divorce is always a possibility. But, as I’m sure you can see (with just a little bit of foresight), it will be less painful as the property will be divided only between or among yourself. The same goes for alimony. You will pay it to yourself and may even gain a tax advantage from doing so. The breakup will also be much less disruptive to any children that result from your marriage. You will get sole custody regardless of how any judge rules.
Speaking of judges, I am sure that Justice Kennedy will approve of true and/or multiple monogamy. This esteemed jurist who is to marriage what Kenesaw Mountain Landis was to baseball will see the inherent dignity and compassion of what I propose and accordingly will enthusiastically approve it. Think of the boon this will be for people with multiple personalities. Code 300.14 in DSM-5 will by order of Justice Kennedy be expunged from DSM-6.
I think true monogamy will become the new norm. There will no longer be any reason for you and your partner to live together before marriage as the two (or more) of you have been doing so since birth. This new norm will give new meaning to the adage γνῶθι σεαυτόν. Likewise Ruth 1:16 will take on a new significance.
It should be clear to you that the course of evolution leads inevitably towards progress, despite what some retro biologists would have you believe. While my concept of marriage may have evolved faster than the rest of right thinking humanity, it charts the course that we will all take. Conjugal bliss is no more distant than your shadow.