Wackos of the world unite. You have nothing to lose but your minds.

California’s Secretary of Election Returns, Sus Domesticus, declared today that the state would finish counting its votes before any of the other 49 states. Speaking to an audience of preschool students he went on to say “I effing guarantee it.” Not only would California be first in the nation in vote counting, he further guaranteed that the state’s vote totals would be in before the polls opened in Florida in 2024.

President Biden repeated Domesticus’s pledge in a statement he made during an interview with 15 Minutes. During his 30 second segment he said that he was certain that California would… The interview ended before he could complete the sentence. The White House later clarified his remarks. An unnamed spokesperson said the President was speaking about the 2024 election while Domesticus was referring to the count of the 2022 election. He further added that Domesticus’s remarks did not include congressional districts 3, 13, and 23 which might not be counted before the polls close in Florida following the 2028 election.

When asked to explain his remarks, Domesticus said that Florida’s rapid count of its ballots was an obvious example of election denial, body shaming, and climate change denial as Florida was undeniably warmer than California, but refused to concede the obvious meteorological difference much less agree to a mitigation regime.

On hearing Domesticus’s announcement the Dow Jones Index rose 1440 points. After the White House’s clarification it fell 1450 points. Rasmussen is taking a poll.

Election deniers