The US soccer team held England to a scoreless tie in an —— (fill in your own adjective) game that held those fans still awake to the backs of their seats at a FIFA World Cup 2022 match. That the entire world save the USA is enthralled by the game is the full measure of American exceptionalism.

One of the distinguishing feature of humans that sets us so far above the skill level of every other species is the hand with its fine motor coordination. Compare it to the foot which is not much use other than for standing, walking, running, or kicking. The list of skills the hand can perform is almost limitless. Here are just a few painting, sculpture, writing, playing a musical instrument, sign language, boxing, swinging a bat, catching a ball, throwing a pass, giving someone the finger, applying lipstick, cutting hair, opening a wine bottle or a can of beer, driving a vehicle (well, the foot helps here too), leading an orchestra, firing a gun, wielding a sword, doing a rectal exam, lots of actions too disgusting to enumerate, and on and on.

So what’s the favorite game of almost all the world? A game in which it’s illegal to use a player’s hands – the goalie excepted. As long as futbol is the focus of only a handful of Americans, mostly soccer moms, America’s leading position in the world is safe, no matter how many stupid things we do and no matter how long it takes us to count ballots. The Simpsons take on the game is below.