The mayor of Duluth, MN has urged that the chief be dropped from all city titles as it marginalizes American Indians, who of course are not Indians, but Americans. She’d better be careful what she calls them. Obviously she has not gone far enough in erasing the margins. Nevertheless, she means well and should be supported.

I’m a fine one to touch this touchy subject as I’ve been a chief for much of my life. The full horror of this not so micro, micro transgression threatens to paralyze my fingers and thus put and end to this screed before I can grovel enough to find some small sliver of forgiveness for the pain I’ve caused by being a chief of nephrology. I hope digital mobility is not lost before I can erase the title from my bio.

There’s no end of mental anguish that can be caused by either the spoken or written word. Sign language is also problematic. And for that matter, so are pictures. In order to soothe Mayor Larson’s sensitive sensitivities, I propose that all words, spoken or written, be banished. Images, which can be nasty, offensive, and hair trigger also will have to go. All numbers, rational or otherwise will likewise have to be expunged. Everyone knows there are some pretty offensive numbers out there. To be on the safe side I’d cancel all mathematicians, especially Srinivasa Ramanujan. Afterall, he was Indian, and would appreciate post-mortem protection.

While we’re at it, cameras, TV sets, computer monitors, and smartphones will likewise get the axe. The last is particularly offensive as it can transmit both offensive words and pictures. Of course this is just a start. Mayor Larson can doubtless fill out the list of terribles. Uncle Joe Stalin was ahead of the times when he erased the faces of those who had fallen from favor from photos and names from the text of Soviet media.

Vive la révolucion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’d have added more exclamation points but I’m too overwhelmed by revelatory excitement that I can’t find the appropriate key. Vive – oh, I already wrote that. Muteness is all.