Not to be outdone by the parvenu institution on the west coast (Stanford for those of you who are not au courant), my alma mater and that of my children has decided to go full frontal and has banned language. As a loyal alum, I can not name the institution as it no longer has a name. I can’t even write the college formerly known as X College, al la Prince and Kanye West, as those are words.

Also hanging from the forbidden tree are American Sign Language and any other form of signing. They are ableist and discriminate against the sightless. Similarly braille is verboten as the touchless cannot use it. Whistling, humming, and vocalises are also no go as they are not available to the lipless and to mutes.

So what will the course of instruction consist of in No Name College? Standing around and doing nothing is out, even though it was the mainstay of the old curriculum. Remember the legless. Sitting with mouth taped shut, eyes blindfolded, and earplugs disconnected from any electronic gadget will be the core of the new syllabus. The tuchusless are being ignored until the arrival of enough gurneys sufficient to recline all students, faculty, administrators, staff, and visitors. Unable to find any union made wheeless gurneys in the US, the College was able to locate a supplier in Malaysia.

What will be taught under these conditions? Multiculturalism and courses in diversity and equity will take over every department formerly known as physics, mathematics, etc. The multiculturalists are exempt from the ban as nobody understood anything they wrote or said under the old regime. Transgender sports, including football are also exempt. The quarterback being under center will have a whole new dimension.

The president of the College, now anonymous and incommunicado, is reported to have said with their last words that they fully expect to it retain to retain its number one ranking on the US News listing of colleges. Though no information was provided as to how the College would be identified as it has no name or ensign.

And I almost forgot. Thinking is also down the memory hole as it discriminates against the brainless. And you know how powerful and easy to offend they are.