A new presidential executive order that has been underreported by the press bans the use of vowels in all federal publications, by contractors who receive money from the US government, and by all US employees both in their private and official writings. The government printing office responded to the order by asking for a waiver for six months to allow them the time needed to switch to Hebrew a language that has ignored vowels for more than two millennia.
Though no official reason was given for the order as was no injunction to switch to a vowelless language, unnamed sources said that government printing office made the decision to adopt Hebrew as it had only 22 letters and because the office’s deputy 2nd assistant director had been bar mitzvahed; though he no longer had any memory of the language he was sure he could reacquire familiarity during the six month grace period requested.
Other sources speaking under the assurance of anonymity said the order was intended to reduce the size of the Federal Register while preserving or even increasing its incomprehensibility. “Our ongoing intent is always to seek new ways to reduce the regulatory burden,” said a veiled spokesman.
When asked about the vow to end vowels press spokesman Jen Psaki said that she had no information about Tyto javanica. When nudged in the right direction she said,”We will follow up with you after the briefing.” Most of the reporters failed to note the remark as they were busy trying to reprogram their smartphones to Ktav Ashuri.
A reporter from Haaretz asked, “?למה עכשיו” Ms Psaki replied, “We will follow up with you after the briefing.”
Harvard announced, in Swahili, that it was considering whether to join the federal government, but it was uncertain as to its necessity as grunts and moans had replaced English throughout its campus. Its medical school, located across the river in Boston, announced that they had gone beyond vowels having ceased all courses of instruction. The school now awards degrees to underrepresented groups upon application and verification of such status.
Jeff Bezos newly assigned to the Washington Post’s DC bureau as a cub reporter, said the reason for the edict was that Donald Trump had used vowels throughout the vast Pantanal of his presidency. So brush up your Midrash. If consonants are next to be proscribed, the feds will have to fall back to ASL. Stay tuned.