The past year and a half has been distinguished for its lockdowns, mask mandates, the silencing of opinions that diverge from revealed wisdom, and generalized unfocused fear. There are some, perhaps many, who interpret these occurrences negatively. Being by disposition Panglossian, I see these events as harbingers of a future devoid of sorrow.

First, deal with all the chazerei that’s that’s barraging the public like napalm at a kindergarten graduation ceremony. Stuff like transgender athletes in the Olympics or Canadian lumberjacks.

The world has not suddenly been engulfed by gender polymorphism. Ambiguous sexuality is like defund the police – not meant to be taken seriously. They’re placeholders for political change. Forget about all that hooey and concentrate on the serious stuff.

Let’s start with the titular lockdowns. The world is not just “too much with us”, it’s too crowded. So let’s decongest it a bit by locking it down. To the riposte that man (irrespective of how gender confused they may be) is a social animal and needs contact with the other 57 genders, consider that we are also going to defund the police. Thus, we’ve murdered two avians with one projectile. Everything will be locked down, but there’ll be no enforcement mechanism, at least not one hired by the government. Hence those in need of human interaction can ignore the ban while the timid observe it. Everybody’s happy. California can mandate masks in the shower without consequence.

If you feel the need for external security, hire your own. Depending on what’s in your purse, you can do so by yourself or in concert with like minded neighbors. If you’re worried about freeloaders, your private security force will only protect those who have hired them. You can use addresses, badges, phone numbers, or whatever to identify those who’ve bought into the scheme. There are obvious problems with a private police force, but they’re dwarfed by those attached to a public police that are part of a government beset by timidity and selective application of protection and enforcement.

The big savings come from defunding the military. With the whole world emigrating to the US there will be no one left to fight. The Chinese likely won’t want to move here, but with the rest of the world empty they’ll be too busy to even think of fighting us. They may even decide to defund their military. Thus, you can see that stupid ideas may morph like a caterpillar into brilliant descendants.

The confused and angry led by the dissatisfied will still need space to pillage and burn. We can cede them the downtown areas of most cities. The local merchants may suffer, but Walmart can support the periphery, while Amazon takes care of everything else. They’re even moving into medicine. I’d give it to them. They’ll do a much better job than the current cockamamie system that consumes a fifth of the national wealth.

As for military intelligence, (as great a contradiction in terms as surgical research) and internal security (the FBI, etc) we should defund them. Google can take their duties. They’ve already made the CIA and their congeners redundant. Not only will they do surveillance better than the government, they’ll do it free of charge. Ad revenue and additional fees for extra storage will cover their costs and allow profit.

The only megaton monster left is education. Our teachers, at all levels, have turned three generations of students’ brains to Tootsie Rolls. Defund all of it. Give it to Facebook. They’re doing most of it already. I’d allow those hardy few who wish to home school to give it a go. They can use Facebook as an adjuvant. What about professional schools like law and medicine? Close ’em down. Bring back the apprentice system. The modern world has obviated the need for schools of any caliber. What to do with all the unemployed faculty? Let them riot downtown or put them on the dole. Everybody will be the better for it.

Is anything left for the government to do? They can write rules that will not be enforceable because we’ve defunded all who could carry them out. The IRS can be shuttered as there’s so much money freed up from all the agencies and bureaus we’ve eliminated that there will be no need for taxes. The only function left to the government is to print and distribute sufficient funds for the populace, which will include everyone in the world except the Chinese, to lead the good life – as long as they avoid downtown. Everything, except more storage on Google, will be free. Food, shelter, clothing, video games, medical care – all of them gratis. comped, no charge, free as the wind. We can sue each other without legal costs and the government will pay the loser’s judgment.

We can have as many politicians as there are applicants. They’ll just be locked down and pass laws no one will observe. They can invent new pronouns. Also no need for elections. You want to be a senator – have at it. No cap on the number of them and no need for term limits. Of course, it’s doubtful that many will want the job in the brave new world of lockdowns, defunded, and free.

Doing nothing and not paying for it is the key to world peace. You can use all of the above as your talking points when you enter the numerous beauty pageants which will proliferate like dollar bills. Each of them will include all 58 genders. Oh, I forgot about the stock market. We’ll give it to Apple.