In a stunning announcement The White House in cooperation with the CDC, the NIH, and the American Kennel Club revealed that all 7.9 billion of the earth’s inhabitants had tested positive for the coronavirus. The sole exception to this finding of universal positivity was Tom Brady who is exempt from the laws that govern biology. Although, after being shutout in his last start yesterday Brady is being retested out of an abundance of caution.

An abundance of caution is the new signal that whoever makes the statement is clueless as to what directs his actions. Brady aside, Dr Fauci has recommended that everyone be double masked 24/7. He has further advised that booster shots be given to all 7.9 billion humans (and some bats) monthly until everyone on the planet or in orbit around it tests negative three times in a row. He further ordered that the globe’s population remain at least 6 feet away from everyone else, the only exception being conjoined twins.

The market reacted to this news by dropping 10,000 points. The sole exception to this record plunge in share value – estimated to be 100 trillion dollars in lost value – was Pfizer which gained 300 points to close at 362.

President Biden said that no one should worry about the multi-trillion dollar loss his as BBB law would cover the stock market decline such that it would not cost anyone anything. Senator Manchin was said to be reconsidering his negative stance on BBB, but couldn’t be reached for confirmation as he was in isolation somewhere near Little Beaver State Park.

President Xi Jinping of China said that the current variant of the virus, the omega strain, had started in Taiwan. Accordingly, his military was placed on Won-ton 1, the highest level of readiness. The US military said it would issue its appropriate response to this provocation as soon as its compulsory vaccination program had injected the last Marine Corps holdout.

Former President Trump denied he had tested positive for anything and is planning a rally in Yellowstone. Speaker of the House Pelosi ordered the Capital Police to reinstall the fence around the capital. The National Football League announced that the remainder of its season would be played virtually on Madden NFL 2021. Gallup plans a poll as soon as it can get some pollsters out of isolation.