Category Archives: satire
American Airlines Will Soon Charge You Not to Fly
Written by Neil Kurtzman | 16th August 2016A couple of decades ago I wrote a piece in which I predicted my premature demise secondary to trying to make a 5 minute connection from Gate 1 to Gate 40 (they’ve since changed their numbering system) on American Airlines in DFW. Well, like most of my prognostications, it didn’t happen. Undeterred, I’ll venture another…
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Daisy For President
Written by Neil Kurtzman | 27th May 2016Can a dog run for President of the United States? The answer is an unequivocal yes! Let me quote the Constitution: No person except a natural born citizen , or a citizen of the United States, at the time of the Adaption of this Constitution shall be eligible to the Office of President; neither shall…
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John Peter Zenger Rots in Hell
Written by Neil Kurtzman | 1st November 2015The great great great great,etc, grand nephew of Vincenzo Maculani, Vincenzo Maculani XVI, Girolamo Savonarola professor of climate science at George Wallace University appeared before the House Committee on Science, Space and Technology yesterday. He explained to the committee why the RICO statutes should be used to prosecute those who argue against the settled science of climate…
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Monogamy
Written by Neil Kurtzman | 4th July 2015It’s time someone spoke up for monogamy – true monogamy, real monogamy. The basic, undeniable, unalienable, constitutional right to marry yourself. With the US swarming with libertarians and brave new worlders, I can’t understand why no one has spoken up for monogamy before. It seems to me that true monogamy, as I see it, lets…
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Second Law of Thermodynamics Held Unconstitutional
Written by Neil Kurtzman | 4th July 2011A deeply divided Supreme Court, in a 5-4 decision, held the Second Law of Thermodynamics to be unconstitutional. In a decision released Monday the 4th of July, the first time the court has ever met on the nation’s birthday, the court ruled that the law violated the due process section of the 5th amendment. The case (ACLU v. Cal…
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How to Get off a Plane Stuck on the Tarmac
Written by Neil Kurtzman | 28th October 2009About 400,000 airline passengers a year get stuck on the tarmac for three hours or more. This counts only domestic flights. Congress has been debating a Passenger’s Bill of Rights since before Abraham was circumcised. The airlines have an infinity of reasons against its enactment. The gruesome details can be read here. As should be…
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Off With Their Thumbs
Written by Neil Kurtzman | 31st March 2009I propose that the top 2% of earners in the US have their left thumbs amputated under the direction of the Department of Health and Human Services. Of course, this would be done under the proper medical supervision and with all necessary anesthesia and post-operative analgesia. We are a humane country. Left handers would have…
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Americans Addicted to Food
Written by Neil Kurtzman | 8th March 2009The normally sober George Will seems to have lost his marbles over corn. His latest column makes the discovery that America has figured out how to make almost endless amounts of food at a very low price. Mr Will thinks that this is bad because cheap food allows people to eat too much of it….
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IRS Should Force Churches to Pray More
Written by Neil Kurtzman | 13th February 2009A new report by the IRS has documented that most not for profit hospitals don’t take care of poor people. The author of the report could have asked his mother and she’d have told him that hospitals only take care of non-payers at the point of a gun and she’d have done so at no…
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Public Polled on Origin of the Universe
Written by Neil Kurtzman | 9th February 2009The report that the public favors the economic stimulus package now before the congress shows how great is the popular understanding of complex issues. According to a CNN/Opinion Research Corp survey A slight majority of those surveyed, 54%, favor the bill while 45% are opposed. Sixty-four percent of those polled said the current bill being…
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