A new survey finds that almost 50% of British men would forgo sex for six months in return for a 50″ plasma TV. Only a third of British women would make the trade. Remember this from a country that only has about four channels and which imposes a yearly tax on each television set.

Britain went through a lot in the 20th century and a delayed result seems to be a 21st century epidemic of androgen deficiency. At least that’s my interpretation of the data. This problem seems to have affected not only the general male population, but male politicians to an even greater degree. Regardless of the accuracy of the latter statement, Margaret Thatcher did not suffer from this endocrinopathy.

How can Americans help their cousins across the ocean? Well, as a short-term fix, we could ask the American firm Solvay Pharmaceuticals Inc to pressure its supplier Laboratoires Besins International, a French company and thus like the UK an EU member, to donate a free one-year supply of its topical testosterone, Androgel, to the about 10 million British men apparently suffering from hypogonadism.

A long-term solution requires a different approach. We are talking about a serious problem. The fertility rate in the UK is 1.66 children per woman. This is far below the 2.1 needed just to replace the population. (As an aside, why is the CIA keeping tabs on this?) The obvious culprit here is TV addiction which suppresses androgen release – at least in men..

My best clinical advice is that the BMA recommend desensitization therapy to the National Health Service. This would require a multi-pronged approach. First, the tax on television sets should be repealed. This would result in more television sets bought in the UK and, at first, more time spent watching TV. To further encourage this behavior cheap access to satellite TV programs should be provided. The NHS should pay the tab. After about six months of watching 250 to 500 channels the allure of the plasma TV will fade. This is when part two kicks in. Fifty million copies of the Victoria’s Secret Catalog will be mailed to every household and office in the UK. A plain brown wrapped edition will be sent to sensitive portions of the British population.

Next, all sex education classes will be permanently disbanded. Britons everywhere will be told to cleanse their minds of impure thoughts and to forgo sex unless procreation is the intention. In other words, clever and devious reverse psychology will be insinuated into the British psyche. Before long the Brits will be copulating like gerbils and the birth rate will soar because accidents always happen. Who knows, the price of plasma TVs may fall and they can have their cake and eat it too.