[A] man can die but once: we owe God a death… and let it go which way it will, he that dies this year is quit for the next. Shakespeare Henry IV: part 2

An intern working from home for the Lake Charles Courier and Ives Daily has discovered a hitherto neglected passage of the Infrastructure Bill before Congress. On page 10,331 article 109.11 pp 21 the following appear: “The Secretary of Health and Human Services or their delegate shall have authority to cancel in perpetuity any debt of any kind owed to any paranormal entity provided that the debtor falls under one of the following historically underserved classes. The Secretary or their designees shall have the power to add or remove the classes listed below as well as to amend the rules enumerated below. Furthermore, The Secretary shall be empowered to make final determinations as to the membership or lack thereof of any individual’s inclusion in one of the classes enumerated below. According to Article III Section 2 of the US Constitution this act is exempt from judicial review.”

  1. Anyone born on February 29th between the years 1619 to the present or anyone directly descended from such a person.
  2. Anyone who has purchased an electric vehicle from 2000 to the present. A cutoff date to this eligibility class shall be made at the discretion of the Secretary or their designee.
  3. Anyone who denies the existence of a paranormal entity is automatically excluded from paying any debt to this entity.
  4. Anyone descended from someone who has already paid such a debt shall be entitled to monetary compensation at any amount to be determined by the Secretary or their designee. But said amount shall not be less than $10,000 per said relative. The backwards count shall extend to 1619, but not beyond that year. This amount shall be adjusted according to changes in the CPI, but shall never be reduced.
  5. Orphans and wards of the state are included and entitled to the benefits of number 4.
  6. No documentation of status is required for inclusion of exemption of debt payment.
  7. Once debt forgiveness is established, it may never be rescinded.
  8. Anyone born in 1946 may not be offered debt forgiveness at the discretion of the Secretary or their designees.
  9. Any medical expense or any other cost incurred as a consequence of this debt forgiveness shall be borne by the government in a manner to be described by the Secretary or their designee.
  10. Any unanticipated or additional expenses incurred because of this act shall be solely charged to states that border The Gulf of Mexico.
  11. The granting of debt forgiveness shall in no manner change the tax status of the forgiven.
  12. The Secretary or their designee shall promulgate any additional regulations needed for the enforcement of this act.

The intern who found this proposed legislation tracked down the congressional staffer who wrote the bill’s text. Under the condition of anonymity the staffer, a recent graduate of an Ivy League college admitted that they had taken a Shakespeare course before their English department banned the bard. They were so offended by the description of the debt owed to you know who that they inserted that debt forgiveness into the bill’s text.

A spokesperson for the President urged prompt passage of the bill along with its debt forgiveness but refused to give a reason.